tales from the ditch

Finding a bra that fits is almost impossible unless you wear one of the common sizes.  And the older we get, the heavier we are, or the more genetically “different” we are, the less likely it is that we will wear a common size.  I fall into the “different” category.  Bummer.

Today I needed new bras.  I tried to find a custom bra shop in Ditchville… nothin’ doin’.  Moreover, apparently there is only ONE of these in the entire state of Minnesota that the Internet is aware of.  So, that was out.  I also searched for lingerie stores, but unfortunately, I only found the kinds that carry pleather pants and crotchless panties.  And I am not that kind of girl.

So off to the mall I went.  I should add that Ditchville’s mall has a rather limited and, to be euphemistic about it, downscale department store selection.  The ladies at JCPenney were actually REALLY nice to me and even though they did not have my (admittedly kind of freakishly unusual) size, they found me a LOT of bras to try on and made sure I found a couple that fit.  Unfortunately, “fit” and “fashionable” are not always compatible in the bra department of JCPenney.  I also went to Victoria’s Secret where I fared similarly.  Ultimately, I did buy some stuff, but I left feeling frustrated about the experience.  I am sure I am not alone.

In my frustration, I ran an Internet search, and found that there is a company called Essential Bodywear that hosts those in-home parties (like for makeup, or lotion, or candles, or handbags, or sex toys, or kitchen gadgets).  They seem like they actually have a lot of sizes and know how to fit just about anyone.  Which is awesome!!  So next time I need a bra, I am going to find one of their reps.

Ladies: I know many of you share my frustrations.  Here are some tips on getting a bra that fits.  Many women do not take the time to find a bra that fits them properly.  If they wear an unusual size that department stores don’t carry (like me), they may never find one!  

Body image issues keep a lot of women from taking the time to dress their girls properly.  Your lack of confidence is keeping you from looking radiant and sexy at the size you are now!  I understand if you think you don’t have money for a good bra.  I understand if you think you don’t have time to treat yourself to this absolutely necessary undergarment that will save both your breasts and your posture if appropriately fit to your body.  (In both cases, you are wrong: you must have time, and you must have money, for this is one of the most important clothing-related investments you can make as a woman.)  But I do NOT understand if you say, “I’m so fat, ugly, and/or old to begin with.  What does it matter if my bra fits?”  Because it absolutely DOES matter!  Even if you are completely asexual and do not have a drop of vanity in your bloodstream, your bra affects your health, and I assume you care about that!  

If you’re not healthy, you can’t care for your kids, your spouse, your cat, or anybody else.  Do you have bad posture?  A good bra can help that.  Do your breasts wobble or sag?  The right bra will eliminate your woes.  Does your back hurt?  Maybe your unsupported breasts are the source of your agony.  Are you convinced yet?  A too-tight bra inhibits the flow of lymph through the many lymph glands under the arms and inside the chest wall.  Lymph is important for cleansing toxins from the body – you don’t want your bra to make you sick, do you?

Okay, so enough said about that.  Get thee to a reputable department store or bra shop and ask the knowledgeable sales associates for help.  Do not worry about your stomach, your stretch marks, your cellulite, your varicose veins, your back acne, or any of those other things, because (1) the sales girls are there to help you and (2) believe me, they have seen it all and don’t care about yours.

Many plus size ladies have trouble finding the right bra, as places like Victoria’s Secret carry a limited range of sizes, and department stores can carry only basic colors for the larger sizes due to space constraints and market trends blah blah blah.  Anyway, for plus size ladies, Lane Bryant is a very friendly shopping environment.  At least two plus size ladies I know have told me that Lane Bryant has changed their clothes shopping attitude, and one of these ladies tells me that Lane Bryant’s intimate apparel is absolutely fantastic and very durable.  Lane Bryant also has awesome jeans and pants to fit all different body types (whether you have a bigger butt, hips, or stomach, there are three different fits to help you look amazing).  Sometimes, I wish I was a little larger so I could take advantage of their jeans sizing system, and I’m not even joking.

So anyway, the moral of the story is, ladies, I feel your pain, and encourage you to lift up your chin(s), and march into your nearest upscale department store or specialty shop, and invest in just one properly-fit bra.  If you aren’t immediately taken care of by a knowledgeable sales person, go somewhere else.  Don’t take ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know’ for an answer.  You deserve better than that.  Demand it.  Your breasts may be private, but they are not shameful.  

Once you find the perfect bra, remember: if you wear it daily, it may only last for six months, maybe a year, depending on the quality of the bra.  Check periodically to make sure the band still fits as it should.  And when you go for your annual bra shopping trip, get fitted again!  You may change size over time, especially if you gain or lose weight, are pregnant, go through menopause, go through huge life stresses, age, or do any of those other “life” things.  Remember: bras are not about ’sexy’ (though it’s perfectly fine to buy cute bras, especially if you are fashion-conscious).  They are about comfort, posture, self-esteem, and confidence.  They are not for other people – they are for you!

Men: if you post any disgusting chauvinist comments on this, I will personally eviscerate you.  So in the interests of good taste, please don’t.  I refuse to take your shit (and all the other women in the world should, too).